Made dinner for two. Ate both.

Why is being single seen so negatively nowadays?  Its like, when someone asks you if you’re in a relationship, you dread wanting to answer no or even change the subject.

I have friends who are so consumed by the thought of being single. They have so many great things happening in their life and somehow all they can think about is how they haven’t found love. Instead of feeling independently owned and operated, you feel alone and like you’re missing something. You feel like your life would be perfect if you just had that special someone to share it with. I’m not going to quote sayings on how being in a relationship means less drama, or less stress. But I’m also not going to say that being single is the best thing in the world, and everyone should stay that way. I have experienced both lives and both have their ups and downs. I have lived a single life more than not, and when I mean single, I mean not fully committed or exclusive to one person.  Instead of focusing on this worldly idea of thinking this should even be a topic of constant discussion in your life, focus on these other 5 things. They are way more important anyways, and not even some people in relationships have learned to cope with these.

1.       Discipline

Use your time wisely! Be disciplined in not only spiritual things, like prayer, meditation, reading of the word, but practical things as well, like spending everything you make, fitness and nutrition, how many people you’re sleeping with. These are some things you have full control of! Discipline is HARD, some never learn to hone in on it, so instead of wallowing in singlehood. Practice discipline.

2.       Move on without closure.

Why do we feel we need closure for everything? Death, breakups, fights, eating a whole cake by yourself. Forgive and forget. Yes I said it, FORGET. Know that everything has a process from beginning to end. I’m not saying to forget your mother that passed away, I’m saying that realize closure is not something you wait for, it’s something you create on your own. It’s a choice.  Don’t expect your ex to call you one day and let you know she/he made a mistake, choose to not need that phone call instead. Let go, forgive, and move on.

3.       Learn from failed relationships

It’s easy to never allow wounds to heal, and jump straight into the next person. It’s easy to rehash relationships that didn’t make it. It’s easy to live in the past. At the end of the day, everything is a journey, and you have to make the choice of finding a lesson in everything. Don’t repeat the same problem twice. Recognize it, write it down, engrain it in your mind, and grow from it. Eventually, with God’s help, you can let it be.

4.       Maturity

In my case, pray to grow up in the Lord. Pray that you live in accordance with God’s will, and that you do not live by your commands, but by his. I have many friends who don’t believe in God, so you might feel this doesn’t apply. But this applies to everyone. Whether you believe in choosing your own path or nothing at all; make the conscious decision to always move forward and up. Never hold doubt, fear, resentment, or envy in your heart. Be a person that outputs good energy, and makes people gravitate to your presence.

5.       Singleness is not about preparation for marriage

Singleness is not about waiting in a line to get front row seats to a great marriage. Life still needs to happen, and will without your permission. Now is the time to make great shit happen.

“He must become greater; I must become less.”   John 3:30

Single? 6 types of friends you'll need to survive

Every girl needs to be surrounded by a strong foundation of women if they are struggling with singlehood. I must admit I’ve had moments of weakness, and every girl dreads the idea of falling for what society calls a “fuck boy.” It might happen one or two times, but you will manage to get through it with the following women:

The married friend

I know it’s hard to believe the married friend has any good advice or an inkling of knowledge on how it is the roam the vast desert of this thing we call singlehood. One of my married friends has been with her husband since she was fourteen… You’re thinking, she’ll definitely be no use to us. The truth is that they can offer marriage truths, like how much sacrifice, compromise, and work it is to be permanently linked to someone. They can offer us advice for future relationships and let’s face it, as a single woman, your married friends become examples of do’s and don’ts. Your married friends will be the women who will encourage you to never settle for less than you feel you deserve.

The adventurous friend

This is the brave friend who takes life by the balls. The friend who will always tell you to enjoy life and not worry about silly things, like being single. The one who will push you to ask questions about why you’re waiting or who you’re waiting for. She will encourage you to pave your path anyways without waiting on someone else.

The brutally honest friend

Don’t we love her… she arrives early to every pity party and shows no signs of remorse when you remind her how single you are. The good thing about her is that she will always speak truth into your heart when you’re tempted to settle. She will lovingly remind you, to get your head out of your ass as she is breathing redeeming words into your soul, all at the same time.

The listener friend

EVERYONE should have one of these, be it male or female. It’s true, people like to talk about themselves. Listeners are gems, because everyone loves the occasional pity party, shoulder to cry on, and simply someone who will always lend an ear. They will listen to your thoughts, views, insecurities, rants, and issues, without saying a word; sometimes that’s all a girl needs. Is this season of life difficult for you? She will always be there.

The mentor friend

This will be the women you look up to. A truly amazing woman who exudes love, confidence, grace, and patience. The one that will make you want to be a better person or mother. She will live by example and only feed positivity and life into your thoughts and ideas. She will push us to focus on our personal growth, career, and self-confidence without waiting for that special someone.  This could be a mentor at work, a lady at church, or a sorority sister from college. For me, this would be a woman of faith and child of god. It’s so hard to stick to a straight path when there are so many distractions, aka ungodly hot men. We can never get enough of them, including myself. Well our example friend will remind us that everyone’s timing is different and you are never late.

The praying friend.

This is my favorite type of friend. The friend that always believes there’s no harm in saying a little prayer to rid the thought demons. This is the friend who believes nothing is impossible, the one who dreams big dreams, and the one who will let you know that gods timing is everything, if you believe. You have to admit, whether you’re a believer or not, the thought of someone breathing words of encouragement and hope into the universe, air, God, or whatever else you believe in, brings comfort, even to those who don’t care for prayer. This friend will clear doubt from your mind, she will pray for your fear, self-esteem, self-doubt, financial success, and heartache. She will even think about your feelings during upcoming bachelorette parties, bridal showers, engagements, and weddings.

Love Notes cont.

Dear Ae,

I noticed you right away from across the table. Something about you that called my attention. I didn’t know what it was. I would glance over every so often and every time you had a big smile on your face or you were laughing. It was refreshing. You were refreshing, and I didn’t even know who you were. I would never think that you would later come into my life as a permanent fixture in my story. I don’t recall putting as much effort into anything else as I did you. We were young, and our beginning was pure infatuation and bliss. I thought about you always and constantly. The feeling that you gave me is something I think of at times of sadness to this day. Well it didn’t last long, in fact it was short lived. I wasn’t honest and was so confused at that time. I don’t know why when I knew how I felt about you. I knew very early on I was in love with you. That’s where it started… the beginning to a long drawn out ending. You didn’t look at me the same, you weren’t happy to see me, and sometimes it felt like you resented me. As my feeling continued to grow over time, yours began to fade away. I tried so hard to be that woman for you that would stick by you through whatever life threw at us. It didn’t help that our relationship was even more jeopardized when it became long distance. I was still determined to make it work. I knew then, that you didn’t want to be with me, that you didn’t like when I visited and yet in my head I also knew there was some part of you that couldn’t let me go as well. We spoke two to three times a day but rarely ever saw each other and somehow I adapted to that. I was okay without seeing you for months so long as I spoke to you every day and you continued to tell me you loved me. Even as I’m writing this letter I begin totear again because I knew even then you didn’t want me anymore but didn’t know how to let me go. We would have conversations about knowing that we weren’t where we use to be but we wanted to get back there. Those are conversations married people have. We loved each other the only way we knew how to. We spent five years running this race. By the end of it I was heartbroken, sad, insecure, zero self-confidence, and overall drained. You had taken every last bit of energy from me. Actually no. I had given you every last bit I had. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, they were tired of hearing it. You cut me off cold turkey, that’s what killed me the most. The fact that all you felt was relief. The next six months would be miserable. I thought about you at least once a day. I never thought I would be writing this now and looking back at how far we have come. I just spoke to you a couple days ago and it’s as if this part of our lives is so far removed. I still love you and I will always love you. You are the hardest thing I’ve ever had to work for. I don’t think those feeling should ever go away. In fact they should be honored because despite the heartache, all I remember are the laughs and giggles. The late night runs. Our body’s in sync when we danced. The good times. Have I loved since then? Yes. But you are that story I’ll tell my kids about. I have no regrets, I’m not sad it didn’t work out, I don’t wish you harm, I’m glad that I felt so hard. I know the man I first fell in love with is still in there somewhere, I just hope that you find someone that brings it out once again.

                                                                                                                   Love Always

Where to start with you… Can I even put into words what you are in my life? Do I even have a full grasp of it yet? I have to start off by saying you are my comfort zone. There is not one being in this world that has me figured out as close as you. It’s scary how much you know how I work, how I think, my next move. I don’t know, that many people ever find someone who knows them more than they know themselves. I met you during a very rough time in my life. I was inlove and desperate for someone else. You were always a good friend no matter what. I'll have to come back to you... 

Dear Ae,

You thought life was over. You had loved the same man for the past five years and didn’t know where to go from here. You gave up friends, personality traits and that glow everyone once saw. You left it all behind hoping he would notice how much you were invested. It didn’t matter, you were chasing a dream and I was chasing you, never able to catch up.

 I wasn’t able to understand why he wouldn’t be the one until ten months later when I met him. I never noticed you and even when you introduced yourself to me, I still didn’t think twice. I didn’t look at you as anything other than a distraction for a while. I remember telling my sister, he keeps texting me, I don’t know why, I don’t think he likes me that way. The rest of that year is a blur. Sometimes it feels like it was never real. After a few visits at work and a few conversations, something happened. I liked you. This was odd for me and scary considering it just switched one day without notice. Those next few months were bliss, I fell and I fell hard. The conversations, the feeling, the intimacy, the connection. It was real. It was easy for me, I knew I wanted this. We loved each other. I like to think we were crazy about each other. Well I wish I could say that everything went smoothly after this. This would be the beginning of uncertainty, frustration, sadness, and miscommunication. Once again I found myself in love with someone chasing their dreams. I would feel second once again. I remember thinking it shouldn’t be this hard. Why was it not working out, why were we fighting? I knew I wanted more and you had told me from the beginning you couldn’t. The expectations became too big to bare. That was my fault. I could continue to recap every instance that we have had since that, but I won’t. Even after we broke up and stopped communicating, he was always still in my thoughts and prayers. My heart couldn’t let him go and I didn’t want it too. The good times filled my void and it would for a long time. We are as good of friends as any ex couple could be with feelings still involved. We still care about each other, keep in touch, joke about our future together, but with a very big guard between us up. We both started pulling away to protect ourselves so no one is to blame for this. Probably the worst thing you can do when you need to move on is continue to speak to that person, but it’s certainly hard when you feel there is gravity pulling both of you back. It’s funny looking back now and realizing he too would be a lesson and a short stop along my journey. I realize it’s okay to love someone, honor those moments, realize it was meant to teach you something and not to last. Once again a decision is made to close one chapter and start on with a new one. Never to open the old one again but celebrate that it was a damn good one while you were on it.

Love Always

Love Notes

Dear Ae,

It only makes sense that I talk about you, the first man that changed my life. You are everything and more. You have given me everything I’ve ever wanted and the tools to get anything I want. You taught me who deserved my love and how I should love them. The irony is that I’ve always knew I didn’t want to be with anyone that reminded me of you. Despite being the first man I unconditionally loved, you are also the first man who broke my heart. I have an advantage that the rest of the pack doesn’t have. I experienced the inner workings of your brain up close and personal for two years. I saw you day in and day out, had longer conversations with you, asked deeper questions, felt your demons, and became the man you needed me to be. It was then I realized how broken you were and how I never saw it before. My dad was just as lost as I was. One thing that was different during our life is that you talked to me like a friend and no longer like your little girl. This was a good and a bad thing, I learned a lot about men, you wanted to make sure I knew the truth coming from a man himself. I also learned that as a young woman life was going to be hard. You told me I would never have it as easy as you, I would be judged on my face, my body, my looks, and my brains. I would have to fight for jobs harder, shine brighter than the others, and always be on top of my shit. Most people would probably think this is the worst thing you could tell your daughter, but it wasn’t, I did exactly that. Sometimes I needed a shoulder to cry on, I knew it wouldn’t be you. Tough love was the name of the game in that house. I don’t resent that, it taught me to be tougher and have a thicker skin. One thing I do resent though is that you never wanted to change your life for us. There are still some things in your life you love more than us. The feeling of always wondering what I am going to do when you can no longer do for yourself haunts me. It’s a responsibility I chose to carry and as the eldest, you can say it’s my job to think about it. Sometimes I wonder if you love yourself. I think it would devastate me to know you didn’t. Maybe that’s why I’ve never asked. I think about you every day, every time I date someone, I think about you. I think about how much mom loved you, and then at what point she chose to stop. I never understood until I chose to live in your bubble. Butt, I’ll never stop loving you. You taught me to be as witty as a man and as compassionate as a woman. You taught me that when girls grow up they become women, but when boys grow up, they just become older boys.

                                                                                                                               Love Always

Dear Ae,

Orange hair, thick rimmed glasses, dancing by the beat of my own drum, and then just like that I changed. Love does weird things to your mind, heart, emotions, smile, walk, imagination. At such a young age you’re even more influenced by friends, music, ideas, not realizing how much that is going to change the rest of your life. There are some people that I feel God always keeps around, still making an impact in your life. That was you.  You were my first taste of happy. The first taste of that spark everyone talks about. That first taste of thinking you could be with someone forever. First taste of holding hands, people rooting for you, and you not caring about anything else. You were my first taste of many wonderful things… The other side of this coin is that as much as this feeling is pure bliss, you realize how much power it has, how much influence others have on you, and how quickly that can all go away. That was you. It was short lived but it was real. Sometimes it takes years to realize this, and sometimes you always knew. You’ve never left my side, we have had a bond since that very moment. We have continued to travel through time with each other experiencing love, heartache, new relationships, marriage, birthdays, and homes. That was you.  It was never a choice, you were meant to be here the whole time, it was taken out of our hands longs ago. I always wonder why it didn’t happen for us. I think I always will. You did something I think I’m still learning to do, moved on and created a life of your own, but despite it, I feel that bond is still there. Some people don’t like the feeling of wondering or never knowing. In our case it’s been the feeling that kept me happy and feeling good about where we are now. I never have wondered whether we would have been bad together, if we would have had a good life, would we have gotten sick of each other, or if it would have even lasted. I know we would have been everything I’ve always thought. Laughing, puppy love forever, adventure, growth, compromise, and forever. Your friendship keeps me feeling like I am still that little girl you met in middle school and no matter what experiences we have together or apart we will always root for each other, want the best for each other, and push each other to be happy. I know you are in my life the exact way you were always meant to be. That is you.

                                                                                                                                  Love Always

Dear Ae,

I never thought that you would have been the one to change the way I look at love. It could have had a lot to do with my age, my experiences, where I was mentally. I have always been a free bird, dance to the beat of my own drum, loved hard and over and over again, trusted so freely and never questioned the people I cared about. Maybe that was my flaw all along; in my head it’s still one of the best qualities someone in such a broken world can keep. My sister says I was in love with you, but I never thought so. Maybe it was in the way I spoke about you, the way I looked at you, the compromises and sacrifices I made. I was in love before you, so I still don’t think I felt that way for you. I can see where she’s coming from, I had adapted and accepted a life with you. I knew very soon you were someone I wouldn’t question committing my life to, we would take care of each other and we talked about everything, we were so translucent with each other. Or so I thought. The hardest thing to watch is when two people stop choosing each other. Love is a choice, loving someone is a choice, being with someone is a choice, relationships are a choice. The feeling of someone choosing to drift away is a feeling I still try and describe but can’t. I’m not going to put all the blame on you, I’m no angel, but I never questioned what I felt for you and how quickly I felt it. I didn’t care for other people’s children, but I accepted yours. I didn’t care for ex-wives, but I accepted yours. I never cared for so much baggage, and yet I was willing to carry yours. And never did I once think I was settling or giving up the ideas I had about what I wanted. I can see why my sister would have felt you were different, but I also know she lives a very different love language than I do. I chose to stop choosing you too. You had some qualities I couldn’t wrap my brain around yet. I started hearing that voice in my heart not my head saying that this wasn’t right. I honestly thought I had changed something in you, you told me all the time, and I believed you. It’s what every woman wants to believe, that you are different. I have spoken many empty words in my life, because I couldn’t be honest and you realize men are capable of the exact same action.

I recognize I am a sensitive creature and weigh my words very carefully before speaking them. I am very calculated so if I say something in a certain way it’s for a reason. Already have plans A-E ready to go in case I need them. I never saw the signs, never got the clue, and never even wondered. The hardest thing about the course of our relationship, is I never thought I was going anywhere. I had developed relationships and feelings for people other than my own family. Realizing I was just one third of this relationship was a slap I wasn’t even anticipating. I’ve been deceived before, but I don’t know why this one felt different. All of a sudden things start coming together and you realize it was happening the whole time just too trusting to see it. I’m not mad, I am still sad at times, not that this relationship is gone, but the way I look at them has changed. People wonder how I could be friends with you after you treated me so “horribly” but the truth is, you can never take away all the love you feel for someone. It never goes away. Yes you learn, move on, love again, but there is no point putting negative energy into a situation that ultimately brought you so much joy. While I was your one third, you were my one half.

                                                                                                                              Love Always