Dear Ae,
I noticed you right away from across the table. Something about you that called my attention. I didn’t know what it was. I would glance over every so often and every time you had a big smile on your face or you were laughing. It was refreshing. You were refreshing, and I didn’t even know who you were. I would never think that you would later come into my life as a permanent fixture in my story. I don’t recall putting as much effort into anything else as I did you. We were young, and our beginning was pure infatuation and bliss. I thought about you always and constantly. The feeling that you gave me is something I think of at times of sadness to this day. Well it didn’t last long, in fact it was short lived. I wasn’t honest and was so confused at that time. I don’t know why when I knew how I felt about you. I knew very early on I was in love with you. That’s where it started… the beginning to a long drawn out ending. You didn’t look at me the same, you weren’t happy to see me, and sometimes it felt like you resented me. As my feeling continued to grow over time, yours began to fade away. I tried so hard to be that woman for you that would stick by you through whatever life threw at us. It didn’t help that our relationship was even more jeopardized when it became long distance. I was still determined to make it work. I knew then, that you didn’t want to be with me, that you didn’t like when I visited and yet in my head I also knew there was some part of you that couldn’t let me go as well. We spoke two to three times a day but rarely ever saw each other and somehow I adapted to that. I was okay without seeing you for months so long as I spoke to you every day and you continued to tell me you loved me. Even as I’m writing this letter I begin totear again because I knew even then you didn’t want me anymore but didn’t know how to let me go. We would have conversations about knowing that we weren’t where we use to be but we wanted to get back there. Those are conversations married people have. We loved each other the only way we knew how to. We spent five years running this race. By the end of it I was heartbroken, sad, insecure, zero self-confidence, and overall drained. You had taken every last bit of energy from me. Actually no. I had given you every last bit I had. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, they were tired of hearing it. You cut me off cold turkey, that’s what killed me the most. The fact that all you felt was relief. The next six months would be miserable. I thought about you at least once a day. I never thought I would be writing this now and looking back at how far we have come. I just spoke to you a couple days ago and it’s as if this part of our lives is so far removed. I still love you and I will always love you. You are the hardest thing I’ve ever had to work for. I don’t think those feeling should ever go away. In fact they should be honored because despite the heartache, all I remember are the laughs and giggles. The late night runs. Our body’s in sync when we danced. The good times. Have I loved since then? Yes. But you are that story I’ll tell my kids about. I have no regrets, I’m not sad it didn’t work out, I don’t wish you harm, I’m glad that I felt so hard. I know the man I first fell in love with is still in there somewhere, I just hope that you find someone that brings it out once again.
Love Always
Where to start with you… Can I even put into words what you are in my life? Do I even have a full grasp of it yet? I have to start off by saying you are my comfort zone. There is not one being in this world that has me figured out as close as you. It’s scary how much you know how I work, how I think, my next move. I don’t know, that many people ever find someone who knows them more than they know themselves. I met you during a very rough time in my life. I was inlove and desperate for someone else. You were always a good friend no matter what. I'll have to come back to you...
Dear Ae,
You thought life was over. You had loved the same man for the past five years and didn’t know where to go from here. You gave up friends, personality traits and that glow everyone once saw. You left it all behind hoping he would notice how much you were invested. It didn’t matter, you were chasing a dream and I was chasing you, never able to catch up.
I wasn’t able to understand why he wouldn’t be the one until ten months later when I met him. I never noticed you and even when you introduced yourself to me, I still didn’t think twice. I didn’t look at you as anything other than a distraction for a while. I remember telling my sister, he keeps texting me, I don’t know why, I don’t think he likes me that way. The rest of that year is a blur. Sometimes it feels like it was never real. After a few visits at work and a few conversations, something happened. I liked you. This was odd for me and scary considering it just switched one day without notice. Those next few months were bliss, I fell and I fell hard. The conversations, the feeling, the intimacy, the connection. It was real. It was easy for me, I knew I wanted this. We loved each other. I like to think we were crazy about each other. Well I wish I could say that everything went smoothly after this. This would be the beginning of uncertainty, frustration, sadness, and miscommunication. Once again I found myself in love with someone chasing their dreams. I would feel second once again. I remember thinking it shouldn’t be this hard. Why was it not working out, why were we fighting? I knew I wanted more and you had told me from the beginning you couldn’t. The expectations became too big to bare. That was my fault. I could continue to recap every instance that we have had since that, but I won’t. Even after we broke up and stopped communicating, he was always still in my thoughts and prayers. My heart couldn’t let him go and I didn’t want it too. The good times filled my void and it would for a long time. We are as good of friends as any ex couple could be with feelings still involved. We still care about each other, keep in touch, joke about our future together, but with a very big guard between us up. We both started pulling away to protect ourselves so no one is to blame for this. Probably the worst thing you can do when you need to move on is continue to speak to that person, but it’s certainly hard when you feel there is gravity pulling both of you back. It’s funny looking back now and realizing he too would be a lesson and a short stop along my journey. I realize it’s okay to love someone, honor those moments, realize it was meant to teach you something and not to last. Once again a decision is made to close one chapter and start on with a new one. Never to open the old one again but celebrate that it was a damn good one while you were on it.
Love Always