Dear Ae,
It only makes sense that I talk about you, the first man that changed my life. You are everything and more. You have given me everything I’ve ever wanted and the tools to get anything I want. You taught me who deserved my love and how I should love them. The irony is that I’ve always knew I didn’t want to be with anyone that reminded me of you. Despite being the first man I unconditionally loved, you are also the first man who broke my heart. I have an advantage that the rest of the pack doesn’t have. I experienced the inner workings of your brain up close and personal for two years. I saw you day in and day out, had longer conversations with you, asked deeper questions, felt your demons, and became the man you needed me to be. It was then I realized how broken you were and how I never saw it before. My dad was just as lost as I was. One thing that was different during our life is that you talked to me like a friend and no longer like your little girl. This was a good and a bad thing, I learned a lot about men, you wanted to make sure I knew the truth coming from a man himself. I also learned that as a young woman life was going to be hard. You told me I would never have it as easy as you, I would be judged on my face, my body, my looks, and my brains. I would have to fight for jobs harder, shine brighter than the others, and always be on top of my shit. Most people would probably think this is the worst thing you could tell your daughter, but it wasn’t, I did exactly that. Sometimes I needed a shoulder to cry on, I knew it wouldn’t be you. Tough love was the name of the game in that house. I don’t resent that, it taught me to be tougher and have a thicker skin. One thing I do resent though is that you never wanted to change your life for us. There are still some things in your life you love more than us. The feeling of always wondering what I am going to do when you can no longer do for yourself haunts me. It’s a responsibility I chose to carry and as the eldest, you can say it’s my job to think about it. Sometimes I wonder if you love yourself. I think it would devastate me to know you didn’t. Maybe that’s why I’ve never asked. I think about you every day, every time I date someone, I think about you. I think about how much mom loved you, and then at what point she chose to stop. I never understood until I chose to live in your bubble. Butt, I’ll never stop loving you. You taught me to be as witty as a man and as compassionate as a woman. You taught me that when girls grow up they become women, but when boys grow up, they just become older boys.
Love Always
Dear Ae,
Orange hair, thick rimmed glasses, dancing by the beat of my own drum, and then just like that I changed. Love does weird things to your mind, heart, emotions, smile, walk, imagination. At such a young age you’re even more influenced by friends, music, ideas, not realizing how much that is going to change the rest of your life. There are some people that I feel God always keeps around, still making an impact in your life. That was you. You were my first taste of happy. The first taste of that spark everyone talks about. That first taste of thinking you could be with someone forever. First taste of holding hands, people rooting for you, and you not caring about anything else. You were my first taste of many wonderful things… The other side of this coin is that as much as this feeling is pure bliss, you realize how much power it has, how much influence others have on you, and how quickly that can all go away. That was you. It was short lived but it was real. Sometimes it takes years to realize this, and sometimes you always knew. You’ve never left my side, we have had a bond since that very moment. We have continued to travel through time with each other experiencing love, heartache, new relationships, marriage, birthdays, and homes. That was you. It was never a choice, you were meant to be here the whole time, it was taken out of our hands longs ago. I always wonder why it didn’t happen for us. I think I always will. You did something I think I’m still learning to do, moved on and created a life of your own, but despite it, I feel that bond is still there. Some people don’t like the feeling of wondering or never knowing. In our case it’s been the feeling that kept me happy and feeling good about where we are now. I never have wondered whether we would have been bad together, if we would have had a good life, would we have gotten sick of each other, or if it would have even lasted. I know we would have been everything I’ve always thought. Laughing, puppy love forever, adventure, growth, compromise, and forever. Your friendship keeps me feeling like I am still that little girl you met in middle school and no matter what experiences we have together or apart we will always root for each other, want the best for each other, and push each other to be happy. I know you are in my life the exact way you were always meant to be. That is you.
Love Always
Dear Ae,
I never thought that you would have been the one to change the way I look at love. It could have had a lot to do with my age, my experiences, where I was mentally. I have always been a free bird, dance to the beat of my own drum, loved hard and over and over again, trusted so freely and never questioned the people I cared about. Maybe that was my flaw all along; in my head it’s still one of the best qualities someone in such a broken world can keep. My sister says I was in love with you, but I never thought so. Maybe it was in the way I spoke about you, the way I looked at you, the compromises and sacrifices I made. I was in love before you, so I still don’t think I felt that way for you. I can see where she’s coming from, I had adapted and accepted a life with you. I knew very soon you were someone I wouldn’t question committing my life to, we would take care of each other and we talked about everything, we were so translucent with each other. Or so I thought. The hardest thing to watch is when two people stop choosing each other. Love is a choice, loving someone is a choice, being with someone is a choice, relationships are a choice. The feeling of someone choosing to drift away is a feeling I still try and describe but can’t. I’m not going to put all the blame on you, I’m no angel, but I never questioned what I felt for you and how quickly I felt it. I didn’t care for other people’s children, but I accepted yours. I didn’t care for ex-wives, but I accepted yours. I never cared for so much baggage, and yet I was willing to carry yours. And never did I once think I was settling or giving up the ideas I had about what I wanted. I can see why my sister would have felt you were different, but I also know she lives a very different love language than I do. I chose to stop choosing you too. You had some qualities I couldn’t wrap my brain around yet. I started hearing that voice in my heart not my head saying that this wasn’t right. I honestly thought I had changed something in you, you told me all the time, and I believed you. It’s what every woman wants to believe, that you are different. I have spoken many empty words in my life, because I couldn’t be honest and you realize men are capable of the exact same action.
I recognize I am a sensitive creature and weigh my words very carefully before speaking them. I am very calculated so if I say something in a certain way it’s for a reason. Already have plans A-E ready to go in case I need them. I never saw the signs, never got the clue, and never even wondered. The hardest thing about the course of our relationship, is I never thought I was going anywhere. I had developed relationships and feelings for people other than my own family. Realizing I was just one third of this relationship was a slap I wasn’t even anticipating. I’ve been deceived before, but I don’t know why this one felt different. All of a sudden things start coming together and you realize it was happening the whole time just too trusting to see it. I’m not mad, I am still sad at times, not that this relationship is gone, but the way I look at them has changed. People wonder how I could be friends with you after you treated me so “horribly” but the truth is, you can never take away all the love you feel for someone. It never goes away. Yes you learn, move on, love again, but there is no point putting negative energy into a situation that ultimately brought you so much joy. While I was your one third, you were my one half.
Love Always